How do you keep them?

[aeunjoo]

Hi
"Normally" (when I am not depressed) I have a small group of good friends. I'm not spectacularly sociable, but I have a few very good relationships with friends.
At the moment I feel like my friends are all drifting away, either geographically or emotionally or both.
I expect this is partly my depressed perception, and partly because I am withdrawing from them due to my depression.
I am worried about losing my friends - either because of depression, or because I seem to be at an age when people are less sociable, start to have familes, and I find it hard to relate to people with young children especially as they seem (understandably) to have so little time for people outside their family unit. I suppose I have a few questions to ask you all:
- how do you manage friendships while you are depressed?
- Are there any tips or suggestions for how to keep the relationship going, or how to pick it up again, once the depression has lifted?
- if you lose friendships due to depression (or indeed for other reasons), how do you cope with the sadness and loss?
I think being off sick from work is starting to become a factor for me. I notice that I feel very inadequate. Although, as ever, it is impossible for me to untangle the 'depressed' thoughts from the sensible appraisal-of-a-not-particularly-good-situation thoughts.
Thanks for your input

[franti]

When I'm depressed, I let my friends know about it. Hopefully your friends will understand the circumstances. What I do is apologize if I drift (because I know it happens during my depression periods).. So they know why they are being pushed away or drifting away.. My friends understand the reason.. So it's easier to pick up your relationship again after your depression is gone.

[yorn]

I have let my friends know that I am depressed. Perhaps I should do so again, just to reassure myself. It is reassuring to think that I have taken reasonable measures just by letting them know.
They would all like to support me. I feel more comfortable with some than with others. The ones who have been able to support me tend to be those who have suffered similar problems themselves.
Some of the others don't quite seem to understand. Or, for whatever reason, I don't feel as comfortable with. While I know they have good intentions, it is hard for me to talk to them while I'm depressed. I will (somehow) try to let these friends know this without hurting their feelings. I also think it upsets them a little, to see how obvious it is that they can't help me. In fact they can actually make me feel worse - and these are intelligent sensitive people so the fact is not lost on them. This is very difficult for me to manage.
From these friends, I can also feel under pressure when they try to keep up contact with me. The further I drift, the harder they pursue me, and I start really avoiding their calls etc.. In true contrary fashion, when they eventually ease up on me, I then worry that they have gone for good, and feel rejected, or like a bad friend and a bad person for avoiding them or 'driving them away'.
I have tried to analyze this, and I think I tend to perceive these people (the ones I feel awkward with when I'm depressed) as very successful and emotionally strong. When I'm in a state of depression I feel inferior to them, ashamed of myself, as though I am not worthy of their friendship, as though they must be looking down on me etc. etc. I don't quite know how to convey all this to them - it seems a bit complicated because, as I've already said, I do feel that they feel upset at their powerlessness to help me. It upsets them to see that they make me feel worse, and I feel bad for upsetting them, and so it all starts to spiral downwards and out of control.
What would be a good way to cope with this? Perhaps I need to be better at setting boundaries? Perhaps I need to be clearer or more communicative about how I feel (although this feels risky! the last thing I want to do is admit feelings of inferiority - I feel almost as though this would amount to a self-fulfilling statement and/or self-sabotage!)
blah de blah!!!! I just needed to write all that out, I think. But any further advice, or sharing of experiences, would be gratefully received.
Just an idea, but maybe you could enlist the friends you feel more comfortable with to help explain to those who may not understand that depression is not just a matter of feeling sorry for yourself and a real illness that requires their ongoing support and encouragement. Asking them to stay focused on the positive aspects while communicating about you and with you. As I said just an idea, if it works all your friends may be closer knit because of it,
I am terrible at opening up to friends and usually don't make many at all. Scaring the hec out of me going back to work this morning as don't really have any close friends there and worked there seven years with all these people. (Sorry fears talking, afraid of the ignorance and resentment I know is coming.) Let you know how I do.