My Story

[chaekyu]

Hello, first time poster here. I had a lot of fun reading the first couple pages of posts here. Some people I really identify with! It's nice to laugh when someone describes the same irrational fears you have.
I grew up in a pretty fortunate environment, though I always feel my Mother was (and still is) emotionally unavailable to me. As a young child, I had a fascination for diaper changes. I used to quickly catch glances, trying to watch as much as I could without getting caught. Even at 4 years old, I was scared of people knowing my interest. I had no idea why I was so fascinated with diapers.
Being the younger brother in the family, I developed an inferiority complex, mainly towards women. When going through puberty, I became fixated on being diapered by girls. Since the very start, my entire sexuality has been based on diapered humiliation. I still haven't been able to have an orgasm without the aspect of humiliation and degradation.
At around 15 or so was when I first started getting my bad OCD. I used to get recurrent images of shooting my girlfriend's head off with a gun. I had no idea where the images came from. I became very depressed because of them. I thought I was dangerous or that I was sick. This is when my obsessive ideation about suicide began. During the same time, I got horrible irritable bowel syndrome. I would be in agony for many hours during school. At one point, I was in terrible pain every day.
I also became sexually aroused by murders and animals eating other animals. The more horrifying, the more arousing. Though I've done pretty well controlling this lust, it bothered be very, very much. Once again, I thought I was dangerous and sick. (It turns out I am aroused by killings for the same reason as diapers; helplessness, being controlled, degraded, etc). Every time a girl mentioned death or murder, a shock would run through my body and would trigger even more suicide ideation.
I started becoming a hypochondriac along the way, too. Sometimes I read about schizophrenia for hours. I also read about any type of mental illness I come across. Lately I've had such fear about being schizophrenic that I have been in a constant state of panic. It's starting to take a toll on me.
Of course, with all of this I have some problems. The inferiority complex not only dominated my sexuality, but also is beginning to dominate my personality. I have been extremely isolated. I only see my one friend once every couple months. Other then that, I do everything alone.
Lately the OCD has been getting worse. Two nights in a row I had to clench both of my big toe nails because I had recurring images of them being ripped off the skin. It reminds me when I was in school, and would always imagine getting a deep paper cut in your eyes.
The most frustrating of this all has been my sleep schedule. I have such horrible delayed sleep syndrome. Lately, I've been going to sleep at about 7 or 8 am, and waking up at 5 pm. Sometimes I can easily sleep 12 hours. Since I have only been awake during the night, it truly amplifies the isolation. As a result, I'm losing the ability to converse with people.
Well, that's pretty much my story. I've been fighting my suicidal impulses for years. I have yet to make an attempt.
Hopefully some of you found this interesting. Thanks for reading.

[hahninsik]

I hope you are seeking professional help. I say that because it sounds like you really need someone to talk to help you deal with these issues. I applaud you on trying so hard to fight for yourself. I hope you feel better soon!

[franti]

let me start telling you that you are not alone about those feelings, pretty much my first impression is that you might be suffering of borderline personality disorder but don’t take my word about it, you might go to see a therapist and be sure that he or she is specialized on cognitive behaviorism therapy, I don’t know what to say about your sexual traits, caz I don’t have any of those but about the violent images or thoughts I can tell you that most of the time they are related with the poor image you have of yourself, in a very subliminal or innocent way you think really negative of yourself and capable of do terrible things so its witty you get those images and thoughts, they make you feel terrible and you get them over and over again caz its a way to hurt yourself, but the truth its that the fact that you are telling this thoughts or feeling bad about it, confirms that you are not capable of make them real. So stop worrying about it.
You seem to me an acting in borderline you express your anger and negative feelings blaming yourself and getting all inwards and all the mess its inside yourself.

The good news its that you can overcome this condition with cognitive behavior therapy and the newly "schemes therapy" that assure can fully recover persons with borderline disorder, this happens with time and commitment and a good therapist, don’t worry much, try to relax and seek help. You can reach a fulfilling life and experience the world without anxiety but YOU NEED TO GET THE RIGHT HELP AND COMMIT TO TREATMENT. Med are not used with people who has your problem so that’s a good point for you but as I said YOU MUST SEE A THERAPIST TO GET THE CORRECT DIAGNOSIS so you find where and why you implemented those negative patterns in your mind and how to remove them.
a good thing would be stop the isolation by getting a normal sleep schedule, and hang with people, pick up conversations and try to be more sociable thou you will learn this skills with your therapist and believe they work!!!
you will develop the tools you weren’t able to develop while being a child so you will handle your life better
there’s a lot of hope for you my friend, some other people aren’t that lucky, JUST START TO TAKE ACTIONS!!