Think I can?t deal with life anymore

[aeunjoo]

I feel like I've relapsed watermarking such good progress (see the thread "Second time round......" Last night I felt like I should be hospitalized for my own good. I'm still in two minds. I really don't feel like I can deal with life anymore, but I?m too scared to try suicide incase I stuff up plus I don't want to upset anyone. My mood swings have gone wildly extreme. One minute I can be so happy and hyper, the next I want to die. It doesn't help when people say how brilliant I am. If that's the case, why do I feel like I've failed? I'm good at some of the things that I do but ivy?s like I get ignored and I can't get into the things that I am good at because I don't have the relevant pieces of paper. I suppose I've been on a major slide since my mum died. I've always been down to some extent when my dad died over 28 years ago, and I think to some extent I haven't got over my mum's death either. Being single and living on my own doesn't help I know. I keep getting dumped though and have been told on the relationship front that I'm too nice!
So I'm a pleasant, intelligent man, reasonably good looking that looks about 8 years younger than he actually is. Very capable at something?s, is passionate about the things he enjoys. Has a deep down conviction that provided no one else is being harmed and we act with understanding towards others then that makes him more of a man than anyone else. Despite all that, he can't deal with life.
I don't think its diet based, over the past 2 years I've tried all sorts to try and lose weight, get healthy, get my weight down etc, and whatever I do it has just masked my true feelings. I was successful in losing weight, but I didn't feel any better for it despite everyone saying how well I looked.
I don't drink, I've been tee-total for 22 years now, I have never smoked and I have never used illegal drugs. I walk a lot; I cycle and am in a reasonably active job as a store man.
I crave female company though, but I don't want to force myself on anyone though. I despise people who do. I always take the other persons feelings into account way before my own.
Other than my money problems I must be very nearly the ideal partner, but I can't find anyone right despite trying dating sites etc, being honest in my profile, because I find it hard to be anything but, and even making first contact, sometimes even where there is no photo on the profile, if the personality sounds right.
I'm still down though. All my life people have commented on how hard working I am, I should have got on then. I just feel like I've failed everyone, including myself, and that I want to just disappear into the sunset, never to be seen again.
I think I need help, serious professional and medical help. I sometimes think if people could only see me in day to day life, maybe then they could help me make sense of me and point me in the right direction. Everything else I do, if I'm pointed in the right direction I seem to be able to make things work. Do I walk round to the hospital and say I?ve been feeling suicidal, please help? Or do I just cower in bed fighting these feelings on my own and see if I can just hold things together for a little while longer until I see my doctor?

[joung]

I don't know what to say to you, mate, I really don't. I feel like I've done everything that anybody ever asked me to do (unless it was obviously harmful to me, that is), and that this wasn't enough for them, and yet they won't explain to me what they want. I suspect they don't know.

I struggle to find a point in the activities of most people, and when I seek to clarify, I get stonewalled. I don't think it's beyond the bounds of possibility that there is something quite revolting simmering just beneath the surface of human society. God knows, the superficial appearance isn't that appealing!

I think you should speak to the Samaritans (08457 90 90 90), and seek some direction from them. To be honest, I don't think a night or three in hospital would be a bad thing, if only to give you a change of scenery.

Let us know how you get on.

[woong]

Hello, it sure sounds like you truly do care about others, so no matter what you're not a failure in life in any way.

You just need to find a woman who is also intelligent and caring like you are. And they are out there. You just need know where to look. Maybe see if a local Church has a singles group or something, they often do. And I agree with Radagast that if calling Samaritans and talking to someone there might help you, then I'd do that. Also watch a funny movie man, laugh and just be thankful for that happiness. You'd be surprised how much good that can do for you.

[moon]

It happens often that when we have come to an end and don't know anymore what to do about our depression, it is because we have been beguiled to believe that it is all in the mind and that we are at fault somehow.

We are barking up the wrong tree.

Most depressions are in fact NOT "mental illnesses" but simply health problems.

We need a healthy body for the body to produce the feel good neurotransmitters .

When we have hypoglycemia the body cannot produce these brain chemicals to make us feel happy and content.

Please ask your doctor to test you with four hour Medical Test for Hypoglycemia .

If found positive you know what the problem is.

It can be treated without recourse to drugs by going on a Hypoglycemic Diet

[potor]

I haven't read through your other posts, so I'm not aware of what caused your original depression.

Is your diagnosis depression or bipolar disorder? I'm asking about this because of your mood swings. as I used to know a guy with bipolar disorder and he used to behave in a very similar way to you. These days he is on Olanzapine and doing very well.

I can understand what you mean about the failure thing, and sometimes I think that this is a problem that can hit so-called "high-achievers" very hard. I'm in the same boat myself as far as this goes.

I always did very well at school, was usually top of the class and always found passing exams easy. However, no matter how well I did, it was never quite good enough for my mother and that put a lot of pressure on me. I wanted to please her but I couldn't, which stuck me in a loop that I still have to deal with.

I suppose I am what a lot of people would term highly-educated - I've got a Masters Degree (for what it's worth), but my academic achievements have never reflected themselves in my career. I've got what I would call a reasonable job - in that I don't earn the minimum wage, but I'm not on ?50K a year either.

But.... I could have done a lot better than I have, but sadly I think I made some wrong career choices along the way and have been dreadfully unlucky with jobs. I don't think I have ever managed to be in the right place at the right time, or have the right contacts, or get the right breaks.

As a consequence of this I am now in a job that bores me rigid. I can't just walk away from it as I need to pay the bills, and as I am over 40 changing career is not necessarily very easy unless you want to become self-employed.

So have I failed? I'm sure in some peoples' opinions I have - and I have to fight off these thoughts for myself as otherwise I just end up in the inevitable spiral. So, I try to make up for my boring job by doing as many other things as I possibly can - to compensate for it, I suppose.

However, I am constantly looking for something else, and as soon as I get the opportunity, I will, without taking a backward look.

I think what I'm trying to say is that we are all perfectly capable of talking ourselves into thinking that we're failures. However, that means we are just capable of talking ourselves OUT of it as well, but it something that you have to deal with a bit at a time.

Same with the relationship thing. You don't say how old you are, but don't put pressure on yourself to get into a relationship NOW. You mightn't actually be ready for it, even though you think you are. You need to love yourself a bit before you are "lovable" by other people, otherwise you get into relationships and automatically assume the role of "victim" and end up getting badly treated.

Just my thoughts anyway, for what they're worth.