Army Wives don't get them

woong · Joined: 05 Dec 2006 Posts: 32

It been almost a year now.... Another deployment looms and I am still scared from the last one. When he came home it was suppose to be happy, the war was suppose to be left behind....

But it doesn't end with a boarder of a country and the man I married than has not returned instead I get a shell of him. I don't know how much more I can deal with this?

I Love my husband. I waited 19 months for him.... I risked everything and just jumped into a life I was not ready and before I knew it, I was one of them an Army wife.

My husband and I had been dating for 8 years and he was my high school sweetheart. One day after 9-11 he joined the army, we planned on getting married... two weeks before he was due home from basic, I found out that his unit was deploying to Iraq... I was married 3 days before he left and never looked back. You might think that’s crazy, maybe it was but I didn't want to miss being his wife. I know I am rambling right now so I will cut to the chase. Just trying to give a little background info.

I just feel like I was robbed, my first year with him, our first anniversary, our wedding.... granted in less than 2 weeks we are having a real wedding it just doesn't feel the same.

Not to mention our relationship that was once rock solid is a little shaky. How do I deal with a man that freaks out cause I run over a bag, or get nervous going to the mall...? A Man that drinks to try to numb the pain and doesn't seem like he wants help.

They tell me his aggression and anger is because of what he seen over there. They tell me I don't understand... How can I, if he doesn't give me a chance to? They tell me that this might never go away, we just have to learn to deal. The VA just shoves more pills down his throat that make him angry, to the point one night he hit me in a blind fury of rage. I am by far no battered wife, but I don't deserve that, I don't want that. I tried to tell his psychologist about it but I felt like I was getting the run around, that he should just keep taking the pills.... I told him my husband has a drinking problem at the moment and that until he gets help for that, I don't think giving him antidepressants is a good thing; he needs someone to talk to. He basically acted like I was stupid to question this medication. The list is a mile long with side affects and I am not even sure what the pills are? I asked the psychologist, he told me he can't tell me. WHAT? I tried to look up the name of the medication, but found little or no info on it.
is it fair for me to be upset about behavior that he can't change? There is some he can fix and sometimes I wonder if he stopped loving me. He told me that I use to be awesome before he married me, but I don't think he knew how much I had to go through when he left. Granted he got the shitty end of the stick, but it was by far no walk in the park for me. I was away from all my friends and family and the youngest girl in the support groups offered to me... I just didn't click with anyone around. I was alone... for 19 months I was alone.

Now that he back, living with me.... I feel still alone. Everyone is poor him, he needs a break, blah blah... I just want to scream and be like SO DO I!

Than again Army Wives don't get them....

robin · Joined: 05 Dec 2006 Posts: 26

I am not an army wife, but an army sister... this sounds like it could've been written by my sister in law. My brother served 2 tours in Iraq, and throughout both of her pregnancies he was there, and barely made it home in time to see their births. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of men didn’t make it home and that is terrible, but I saw the pain in her eyes throughout both deployments. Someone should be supporting you, I supported her, and I loved her and still do. Now we're on opposite ends of the nation and I miss her so much. You are right to be worried for your husband, but to still have the feelings that you do. Hugs and support.

woong · Joined: 05 Dec 2006 Posts: 32

That really does mean a lot to me. Sometimes it just gets a little hard....

pope · Joined: 05 Dec 2006 Posts: 36

Of course it still is hard.... we as family, suffer our own trauma watching the news reports, waiting, having nightmares, it's terrible! I remember when my brother went the first time, some lady said " well at least you all have it better than we did in Vietnam, we didn’t have computers with cameras and such" and I almost fell over! Yeahh ok, I’ll give her that, we do have more contact, but seriously, war is war! It’s hard no matter what.
Do you go to the 'wives support' thingy's that are held? My sister in law wouldn’t go, she'd move back home here every time he got deployed... but now they have one here in town at our national guard armory too. Thinking of you....

moon · Joined: 05 Dec 2006 Posts: 32

You may be grieving for the loss you experienced, your husband is alive but your life is not what it was before or what you expected. You need to take care of yourself first. It sounds like the support being given is all for him right now. Have you thought about seeing a psychologist yourself to deal with your trauma?
My heart is with you...