Depression: Acceptance vs. Denial?

[joung]

Hi,
If this is in the wrong place someone please move it, but I thought even if people don't have this specific problem, they might be able to relate in a general sense and give me some suggestions.

I'm 29, have had depression for years, only began taking medicine last Oct., never been to a therapist though I'd be interested in trying it. I would say it is mild to moderate, have bad insomnia, lack of appetite, lack of motivation, irritability, and loss of interest in many things-have also become a total slacker. I have been, until recently, in total denial about even being depressed. I have plenty of friends and family I could probably talk to about it, but can't for some reason, maybe the stigma? They tell me the most intimate things about themselves, ask for my advice, and I can talk and joke for hours but simply cannot say it when something is wrong with me or bothering me. Maybe I don't want them to see me any other way than they already do, as someone who is strong and can handle anything. Maybe I think they would be somehow disappointed if they knew I was having difficulty. I deny it to them and to myself, if I lay on the couch and do nothing for 2 days, I will just start berating myself into action, telling myself there's nothing wrong with me but laziness, etc. Why would I deny it to myself?

This depression has worsened due to the realization that I will not in all likelihood, ever have children. I've been struggling with infertility for 7yrs, and have done all I can do, it's time to accept that I will not be a mother, which was all I ever wanted, I never cared about a career though I did have one at one time. I used to post on an infertility board but I find myself not wanting to go there anymore, because the girls are all in various stages of treatment and mine has come to an end. It was my denial again, thinking well maybe it will happen for me when it simply will not. I have endo/unexplained infertility. I also have a bad heart arrhythmia and have been told it will likely worsen if I become pregnant. The denial carries over into other areas of my life. When I was diagnosed with the arrhythmia they recommended a surgical procedure to correct, or at the very least medications. I went into total denial mode that anything could possibly be wrong with me, cancelled my dr appts, stopped my meds, told everyone who knew it was better and refused to speak of it. Why would I deny a physical problem? Is that part of depression? I did start taking my heart meds again last month and am feeling much better now combined with the zoloft I started. I am Catholic and sometimes think well maybe God is looking out for me by not letting me have children. No one probably has these specific problems but in general how do you accept something for what it is and move forward, without going back into denial or sinking further into depression?

Also a quick question-this may sound really weird but I have been completely unable to cry for over 6yrs, last time I did was at my grandmother's funeral all that time ago. Though it sounds contradictory, is being unable to cry sometimes part of depression? I would like to-think it might make me feel better just to have a good cry, and there is a pervasive sadness inside plus other emotions, love for people, can still genuinely laugh and joke with people, so why can't I cry anymore? I'm extremely thankful as well for all the good in my life.

If anyone has any comments, advice or suggestions about how to accept things without becoming more depressed I'd love to hear them. Thank you for taking the time to read.

[woong]

Actually, I believe that accepting the depression would make it easier to deal with. I don't mean admitting to depression.... which one has to do before accepting it. I just looked it up in Wikipedia, and it says acceptance is the "experience of a situation without an intention to change that situation. Acceptance does not require that change is possible or even conceivable, nor does it require that the situation be desired or approved by those accepting it."

I've been working on accepting my depression, and to me that means being able to accept the symptoms I have as those of depression, instead of blaming myself for being lazy, selfish, self-centered, stupid, etc. I was diagnosed with depression about 16 years ago, but have recently realized that I've never accepted the diagnosis....because I still try to fight it and believe that I should be able to solve this myself.

The thing is, if depression is a disease, then trying to change things myself, with 'willpower', will only make me feel worse...and it has. I tried to change my feelings before I was diagnosed (to no avail) through counseling, prayer, self help/self improvement, self understanding....I worked my a*s off just trying to be like everybody else. Then I was diagnosed, and I continued to believe I could change it. And I never could. I'm tired of fighting, of believing I am all those things I don't want to be.

I just want to accept myself for who I am, good and bad. But I've spent so much time looking at the bad stuff and trying to fix it that I can hardly see any good stuff anymore.

I don't know if this helps, but acceptance is a place I'm hoping to get to soon.

[moon]

I just wanted to say that I can so relate to your story, more so than you think! I have had the same problem that you say, I have been in denial and lately I have had problems with being angry and irritated a lot around my family and yell and act out a lot of anger and depressive feelings. I am not having any treatment at the moment, because I don’t want to tell anyone about this and then it will come out and more things will be known about me and my family will put me down more as being stupid and useless! I am certain they’d not actually say that, but its just a feeling I get that I think they’ll say that. In my family its important to do well in life and so on and so far I feel like I have failed in many ways and thus it feels like if I tell them about depression they’ll see me as more failure than before.

I am 27 years old and finishing my degree, I am going to be a teacher and I have panic attacks, so I’m hoping I can do the job. I know I can teach adults, because I have taught adult high school, so I hope that I am going to get that type of job and not have to work with teens or pre-teens, nothing wrong with kids, but most kids in the country I am in, are not very nice unfortunately.

Now, I relate to your discussion on children, suffice to say that I know how you feel about that issue. I am in the similar boat to yours. Also, I’m a Catholic as well and I think in everything Gods finger is touching me and my life as well as you and yours and somehow God will find a way for us. I keep my faith and have used it thru life, it’s my helper.

[joung]

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm not used to talking about these things and wasn't sure if I was explaining myself in the right way, but you understood perfectly. That is a very important distinction that I had not thought of before, that acceptance does not require change or any action at all. Sounds as if acceptance is a step unto itself, and hopefully a positive change will follow in time?

Like you I have been working on acceptance. Only recently have I realized it is ok not to try and be perfect every day, that I don't have to pretend to be upbeat every day, but I am still struggling with self-blame, guilt and my obvious denial issues.

I also have tried to change myself by "willpower", which has of course not worked. One of the reasons I joined this site. I hope that you can begin to see and recognize all the good things about yourself very soon, and I hope that we are both able to find that place of acceptance as well.

[potor]

I think your depression is complex. Before trying therapy I think it is difficult to know how the depression, infertility, and heart problems affect you and what causes what psychological symptoms. Denial is a common problem of depression. because I think part of the illness itself is thinking that nothing is actually wrong with you, you are just weak, pathetic, etc etc (at least it was that way for me). It took awhile and a lot of desperation before I finally realized that it was a treatable illness!!! And it wasn’t my fault. It just sounds like there is a lot of stuff roaming around your mind.

And posting here is a huge step. It sounds like you’ve made great progress in seeing through the denial!!