Depression, Could It Be A Lie I'm Telling Myself?

[aeunjoo]

Hi all,

This may be confusing coz I can't think clearly. Hope it makes sense.

One may call it denial but I want to question my so called depression. I must admit though that as a kid or 7 or 8 years I had suicidal thoughts. They were gone for some time and were back a few years ago. May be I think that way coz I don't want to do something because I'm not interested but am forced to because of circumstances and social acceptance. May be its just wanting attention.

I haven't been told specifically that I'm depressed and abnormally anxious but have been given anti-deps for a few months last year when I attempted suicide (huh...it seems so commonplace that its almost normal). I was "ok" when I was working till I had to stay back at home to study for an exam and that triggered my "depression" again. I journal led but it only seemed to make me slip deeper into that state of mind. What I wrote seemed to engrain the thoughts deeper in my head. Instead of studying I was distracted by how I was feeling and I felt low about myself.

What I want to understand is if I'm just lazy and negative and need to work on my attitude rather than a medical condition; if I've made negative thoughts a habit and thus consider myself a misfit in this world that demands strength of the mind. My family feels I shouldn't think the way I think and think about what I think because it is all in the mind to feel and think a certain way. But what IS the mind? Has it got anything to do with the brain? I can understand that there can be a chemical imbalance in the brain but isn't it true that when we do things that make us happy our brain benefits from it and we get into a positive cycle? Isn't it also true that my own thoughts can make me happy...positive auto-suggestion as it is called? Could it be that I don't try hard enough to feel good about myself? Do I really need help or I should help myself? My family does not approve of going to the doc for it. My mother feels that once you go to a doc for such probs you get sucked in and put on treatment you'll need all your life.

Also what is normal because everybody has emotional ups and downs and everybody thinks negatively at least for a little while sometime in their life? Could it be that I let myself be taken over by the demon rather than take the angel's hand? Suicides are so common that they seem normal. Why make a fuss about my attempt.

I checked on the net about it and took a few self-tests on Depression too. They seemed to suggest that I might be a little depressed (I don't even want to use the word so often). Could it be that my bad mood and a negative attitude make it seem that I'm depressed in the tests?

I don't want to dump my non-sense (read negative thoughts and emotions) on anybody but find myself doing exactly the same thing quite often and then feel lousy about it later.

I won't have much time for much thought or emotions when I start working again but I want to know if my life could be better at work if I get help for being anxious or I can do it myself.
I don't want to make an unnecessary fuss about my thoughts and emotions but they won't leave me till I sort and reason them out in myself.

I've been to a counselor for the first time recently...but I don't like the feeling of being there as somebody needing help. I'm quite a crybaby and embarrass myself often too.

[betly]

I firmly believe in cognitive therapy. This is where you work on changing your thought processes because what you are saying is true to an extent. I.e. positive/negative thinking.

You might want to look into it, and your parents might find that an acceptable thing because it is a very practical way of approaching depression. Depression is very real, and a suicide attempt should be enough of a clue to that. If you look into your treatment options and let them know what you want to do to get through it, hopefully they will see that as a constructive approach and support you in it if they know you are trying to get well. If not, you may have to do what you can by contacting school cancellers etc and getting the support you need.

I wish you well. I know sometimes life is pretty confusing and you have a lot going on in your mind right now. Having a program that addresses that going around in your head thing is very helpful in recovery for many people and I know I highly recommend it.

[chaekyu]

Its funny when I read your post, its the exact sorta things I been telling myself. Is it all in the mind and cant I just help myself. First off I commend u for even wanting to help you. I think that’s the one thing that frustrates me the most... the lack of personal responsibility. See I’ve dealt with depression within my own friends and I know when trying to help someone the most frustrating thing for me is that they refuse to help themselves. It’s not for me to say whether u is clinically depressed or not. I have never met you nor am I psychologist to make those sorta of conclusions. This is just my opinion so pls don’t take it personally as my comments have no intentions to be harsh to you or to new one else reading this.

I personally believe that the low mood can be fought in two main ways either alone or in combination. By talking about it and by medications. Yeh u can only talk about it and stay off the meds and get better if you have the will power and self motivation to do so, but u cant just take medication and get out of it. Meds are only there as a cruch to support u went things are down but its really talking about it that helps. I get what you been by seeing a counselor and not really wanting to talk. I know some ppl prefer it ... a total stranger that knows nothing about u until tell them.. some ppl feel that they are control of the situation cuz they can tell what they want and omit with they want. That person is not a part of their daily life and will not judge them for feeling a certain way where as friends and family may. On the other hand friends and family have that luv for u and maybe the only the reason your family doesn’t want you to go on meds is because they luv u and don’t want u to go through the vicious cycle of meds and not get help.

The fact that you have had suicidal thoughts tells me that yeh u def need to talk to someone, whether professional or not... I don’t know jus my opinion. Don’t get me wrong everyone has the low moments but it’s how u deals with the low moments that count. If someone could help u deal with the low moments making them easier wouldn’t that be better?

Ye I honestly believe that your attitude can impact your mental well being seriously! I mean if u do make the effort to be positive it affects u... like simple things do u find that if u listening to a song that’s sad u automatically become a bit sad but then if u listening to a song that happy or has good memories associated with it that u catch yourself smiling? Its like your mind is telling u to be happy or sad... in the same way wot u keep telling urn mind will affect how u feel. .. Does that make new sense?

The most important thing is don’t think that u cant tell new one about wots going on... pppl wouldn’t ask I they thought u were burdening them. They only asking u to talk to them cuz they want to see u happy again. So pls don’t feel like u dumping new thing one them. And it may be beneficial to get other ppl's views on the whole thing...

I don’t know if I helped at all but pls feel free to post or PM if u need nothing or need someone to listen cuz there are ppl out there that jus wanna make sure everyone doing ok!

[hahninsik]

I just wanted to add a comment here.
I do not think that depression is something people make up to excuse being lazy.
Negative thoughts are a part of the depression that can be re-learned, so we can learn again to think positive things about ourselves or other stuff, but I do not think the underlying tiredness and hopelessness that goes with depression is made up. I’ve never made up such feelings before, because all the time when I’ve had negative thoughts bout myself in my past, I always had hope in the back of my head, but nowadays there are times when I really have to struggle to find that hope, so that’s what makes me think that depression is not made up.