Tired to pretend to get better

betly · Joined: 05 Dec 2006 Posts: 25

I don't know where I should begin, what I can tell or not. I'm frightened to say something triggering or something that is not allowed. I don't want to hurt anyone, but that's what I usually do.
My relatives feel better since I reduced my medication by half and promised to stop SI. I don't want to disappoint them. I replaced cutting by boiling showers and no-eating. They're the less harmful ways I found to deal with pain. I spent hours prostrate in my bed. I can't even cry.
Suicidal thoughts came back and I'd like to follow them. Tomorrow, there will be 11 years I should have passed away with this accident. I wouldn't have lived with so much pain and wouldn't have recall memories of abuses. I hate my body, I hate my harmful mind and wish to stop this life definitely.

pope · Joined: 05 Dec 2006 Posts: 36

You should really see you doctor before reducing your medication, as withdrawal symptoms can make you feel a lot worse than you are already.
It sounds like you need proper help rather doing stuff just to please your relatives.
You should do what's best for you and not always what's best for other people.
If you are feeling suicidal, ring one of the help lines at the top of the page.

hahninsik · Joined: 05 Dec 2006 Posts: 38

I've done this reduction with my doctor. I lay to him when he asks me how I am doing. It's my fault. I shouldn't have called for help. I should deal with that alone.
I live in France. None of the help lines in the list is available from here.
Sorry to bother you.

betly · Joined: 05 Dec 2006 Posts: 25

Thank you for your response but I shouldn't have written this. I shouldn't have come here. I shouldn't even exist. Sorry.
Can I ask someone to delete this topic? Thanks.

potor · Joined: 05 Dec 2006 Posts: 49

I feel your pain. I did/do the same things to replace cutting. I take Boiling showers and I don't eat a whole lot, but I have to eat from the ulcer. But I under stand this feeling you are going through. I also pretend to get better. The other day though I told my family I was not getting better. They plan on putting me into therapy. If you need some help talk with me, I here for ya. Don't kill yourself there are people in the world that love you and would be devastated if you died.