when you can't even get out of bed

[woong]

When I was in the very worst episode of my depression I found it difficult on most weekends to even have the energy to get out of bed. I didn't want to face the world, I wanted to hide under the covers. I often thought I would be perfectly happy spending the rest of my life in my bedroom.

Well, what about when you have children to care for? I had my beautiful daughter. She was 5 and deserved a whole lot more than a mom who could barely function. I don't know how I managed to keep her feed and bathed and very well taken care of...I guess you get really good at forcing the smile and wearing the mask to protect your child(ren) from the pain you are experiencing.

The last thing on earth I wanted was for her to think I was sad because of her. Or that she was causing me any kind of unhappiness.

So I thought we could share some coping mechanisms we have come up with to shield our young children from what we are going through. (I know the dynamics change a lot with older kids.)

I was very blessed to have family close by to help with my daughter. Of course, I was hiding my depression from them too, but it helped to have someone take her for an outing on an afternoon or pick her up from daycare for me.

I know I depended on television too much as a babysitter for my daughter when I was stuck in bed. She and Barney became very close And the cartoon dinosaurs...what were they called? And the Disney channel...the Wiggle guys...anyway

we don't even have cable now and haven't for years, once I started on my upward journey out of the pit of depression I cancelled the cable TV.

Sometimes what I would do is give her "assignments". Play assignments. We'd get out her crayons and coloring board and I would tell her to color some pictures for relatives. Luckily we have a lot of realities so by the time she colored all of the pictures I had kept her busy for awhile!

Or to work these three puzzles. I would tell her mummy needed some extra rest and come get me in my bedroom when she had finished.

We had pets so I could give her the assignment to pet and brush the cat or dog...

I just didn't want her to know I was so pitiful. But I also didn't want to ship her off to grandparents all the time.

And on afternoons when I was really, really lucky she would lay down for a nap with me.

It seemed like this went on forever. I think it was about 2 years before I was consistently feeling better and I could count on feeling good enough to not spend the weekend in bed.

I would have good days and bad. But it was a long time before I would commit to having my daughter to any place at a certain time and date. Like sports practices, or music lessons. I just didn't know if I would be feeling well enough to get her there. It used to drive my mom nuts. My mother wanted to sign her up for all kinds of things.

My daughter had so many tardiest to kindergarten I got a few letters from the principal. Again, I could barely force myself to get out of bed...and sometimes I didn't.

If anyone is going through something similar or someone that has gone through it and survived would like to share some stories and/or tips. Please do...

[pope]

Yeah. I was an awful mother when my daughter was small. I think this is why I try extra hard to be there for my grandson. I feel so guilty and now that I've read your post, I see that I am not alone. I had no relatives near to help me out. My (then) husband was an idiot and not much help. I can remember when she was a baby putting her in one of those swings, winding it up (no battery-run ones in my day...) and putting my head down on the couch were I was laying. When it slowed down and she began to complain, I lifted my head up, and would it up again...I never did any "fun" things with her, like go to the zoo, the park or anything like that. What a loser I was. I was too tired to bring her out to the shops, just to let her see what was going on, and buy her an ice cream or something. If it wasn't for her friends she wouldn't have gone anywhere. I worried about where she was going, even though I knew she was safe with her best friend's mother, who treated her like a daughter. Later when I was taking my medicine again, I had Tegretol for the mood-stabilizer. I spent 1/2 my life asleep or in a fog. I never knew how bad I was until they put me on Lamictal and I woke up. Needless to say, I didn't want to go to PTA meetings. I just about dragged myself to teacher's meetings and so forth. I was such a failure. My (now) husband provided a roof over her head and was a father figure but he was like my father was to my mother...she took us everywhere. School things, church and anywhere else we had to go. He didn't want to give my sister and I away at our own weddings. I didn't even think he would show up for mine but he was there at the last minute. I give my husband credit for being a good father to my daughter when she was small, and watches out for her even now. He's grumpy, but he cares. But he never went anywhere to school things etc. That's part of the things my daughter went thru.
I have no real coping skills, because when your parenting skills are at a low point, all you can do is rely on others to take up the slack. But you know, after all I put her thru "not being there", she turned out all right. She is responsible, and a very hard worker. She hasn't been in any trouble with the law, and she is my daughter and best friend and we rely on each other. Kids are resilient when it comes to a lot of things, and if my daughter is an example, they hold nothing against you. We are all aware enough to see they are clothed, fed and in school. And that they have a home with you in it, even though you spend a lot of time on the couch. And, of course when they get older, you can explain that Mom wants to do this-and-that, but she is tired all the time and something’s it takes a while to get around too [if we ever do]. My daughter held nothing against me for the times I wasn't "there" enough for her. So I do everything I can for the baby that I can, and a "there" for my daughter now as much as I can be. I guess all I can say is, as the years go by, they make new AD's, and these are not as sedating as the old stuff. It will get better

[woong]

Thanks for sharing that story. It has a beautiful ending in that your daughter is fine and your best friend. Your love has and will last forever.