Wall Of Misery

[mablisaki]

For days, I have been so excited for Christmas; even though I knew once it was over I would be in the same lake of misery afterwards. I tried to ignore that fact, knowing that there was nothing I could do about it.

I had a great time with all of the excitement of Christmas eve/day, yet even as I hold my very nice gifts in my hands, I just feel a black pit in my soul of emptiness, hopelessness, and disconnection. I just sit here in motionless crying. I just want to go to sleep and let the tears drown me, sleep forever.

I'm so bored with everything! I don't care about anything! All of life is meaningless to me! I'm always so unfulfilled; nothing can cover it up anymore.

Nothing is stimulating anymore. And now I feel this deep sadness that I rarely feel so profoundly. I feel like an "alien" in this world, this is how little relates to me.

I want to be grateful, I am, actually. My life is just this great chasm of endless darkness void of feeling and interest, and it just gets worse and worse as I age.

I honestly can't remember the last time I felt sexual stimulation.

[daley]

My Mother-out-Law had ECT a few times before my divorce ten years ago. Having suffered my depression for many years, I was curious, the first time, to see what happened. I saw the blank look in her eyes and sensed the lack of emotion/feeling in her heart and realized ECT was something extreme and possibly dangerous. Since then, the state of Texas has made it illegal to treat with ECT.

I have been desperate. Quite recently, in fact. I bet there are lots of people on this forum who have been or are right now. Just that you have opened up to us tells us you have a tiny bit of hope. You can't see it very well, but we (at least I can because I recognize what you feel in myself) can.

I have alienated every one of my friends except one. I am grateful for that one friend. My retired parents have taken me back into their home when I need some extra care. I am so lucky for my parents. These are the anchors that keep me going...even if I go really slowly.

Please keep us informed. Let us hear how it's going, and that tiny little light might get brighter for you sooner than later.

[franti]

I can relate to so much you had said. I truly can feel what you’re describing. Your question about ECT. I had my series in June 2006. I have a small breathing tube so after about 5 I had to get it topped. My breathing was getting to shallow. There is no pain at all. It didn't work for me. But I seen people that it worked wonders on. It's just like anything else, everyone is different. I had like some of the others lost a bit of memory after the 4th session that I still haven't gained it back. Not all of it anyhow. I've had a concentration problem before ECT but I can't drive now. And now it's late December. I'm not sure if it had anything to do with the ETC but since then I can't drive. But like I said everyone is different. I saw many good things come out of it. It's nothing like the old movie One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. It's painless and they put you out for a few minutes and that's it. You’re up and on your feet in less then an hour.
Let us know how your doing hang in there, Email me if you need someone to talk to. Let us know if you ever talk to your Doc about ECT I'm sure they can describe it a lot better then I can. There is so much they can do to make the session more comfortable for you. Good Luck. I'll be praying for you.