How Long And How Much

[robin]

Hello all. Best wishes to all of you, as usual.

I've read the testimonials of so many people on this board, and I've read testimonials of people on depression websites and antidepressant websites, and comparing them to myself, I feel... awful. I'm wondering how much is enough? How long does one have to suffer, in order to get help? At what cost?

Compared to some of these people, I feel insignificant and petty. I've felt like this for the better part of one year. Depressed and anxious, that is. It's gotten worse and worse, and I'm at the point where I'm wanting to get some help - probably will make an appointment in mid-January - but I read the stories of these people and am not sure if I have any reason to complain. They say they suffered for 20+ years before getting help. Some of these people lost their jobs, lost lovers and fortunes, ruined relationships and careers all because of this illness. I haven't had that experience. I'm in college. I'm doing okay. I function, mostly. Not at all at my potential, but I get by. I have some friends, even if they're all distant and feel like acquaintances.

What it feels like, is as though I were going to the doctor for a sore throat, while these people are seeing the doctor for tuberculosis. I feel like my problems are miniscule, like they'll go away, like I have a cold in my head, even though it's lasted for a year. Just one year of not being myself has driven me to some strange mental places. I can't imagine what doing this untreated for decades must feel like.

I'm sorry if this feels like I'm whining. I feel a little lost. I suppose it's easy to feel that way, in the holidays especially, where the closest thing I've gotten this year to holiday cheer is being flipped off in traffic. This time of year should be pleasant, at the very least. I leave in a few days to go on a study trip in Europe (I'm from US) and it's an opportunity not many people have. The only thing I feel about it is guilt for all those people who can't go. I feel like I shouldn't be able to, shouldn't afford to, shouldn't enjoy myself at least a little because even though I worked my *** off all semester I feel like I didn't work hard enough to deserve this, or to deserve anything I've been given this holiday season. I feel so small.. but calling attention to the way I feel makes me want to feel smaller, makes me feel guilty for thinking I am even allowed to feel like this, considering all the opportunities I have. Shouldn't I be thankful by being a happy, energetic, functioning person? Instead, I drag myself out of bed in the afternoon, feel nothing, walk around, feel like doing nothing, don't even feel like sleeping because I sleep so much, and it's that lack of anything at all that's driving me crazy. That empty, numb feeling that's replaced my energy and my happiness.

Sorry this turned into a rant-slash-journal entry.
I know someone out there has to have similar feelings and experiences.
Advice is appreciated, but not necessary. I think I feel better just by knowing that someone will read this and know that I'm not making it up, that I'm not crazy, that it isn't wrong to feel this way, no matter how much I try to convince myself that it is.
Thanks if you actually read this far.

[pope]

that empty that you feel inside you needs to be filled, there’s nothing mentally wrong this is quite normal when your mind is telling you , you want something you just don't know what. But when you find it you'll know, like when I found the girl who changed my life, I didn't feel empty anymore and I knew that feeling went away and I knew why but she's gone...and now that empty is back, but I know how to get it off my back! maybe you should try finding a relationship? I'll always quote this from dante's Inferno "Love is the ultimate salvation"

[yorn]

Thanks for the thought. I do have a boyfriend, of nearly 11 months.. he's amazing. I love him very much. He's held me together in some very desperate times and is one of the best listeners I know. We're pretty busy with school, and that plus my work schedule plus these reclusive moods of mine mean we don't get a lot of time together, but we've never had any problems, and I'm extremely grateful for that. When the rest of my world is falling apart, he's still there. Because we don't have a lot of time together I don't think he knows how bad this is getting. I tend not to tell him because I don't want to worry him, but I know he'd listen. Maybe when I decide to get help I'll have him come with me, to keep me brave.

[potor]

I tend to rationalize in my head that there are people in the world far worse off than I am and I should be thankful for the things that I have in life. I sometimes think I over exaggerate how much pain I feel...in reality I probably under exaggerate because I feel guilty for not being able handle it. I see other people on here and in real life that have gone through so much more than me. I tell myself I got it easy, I'm smart and strong willed so I should be able to cope. And it makes me feel worse...feel weak...because here I am falling apart while everyone else is living life. So yes I understand...on that note...I have being dealing with this for 15yrs. I think if I would have gotten help early I would have been better off. So don't wait. I blame a lot of people for my problems...including myself. Don't add anything else to blame yourself for. And to be honest my first depression still holds a pretty memorable impact on me. It is never easy to deal whether it is the first time or your tenth. It's better to recognize you have a problem and get help now...than wait and suffer with it longer