It is only Depression around me

daley · Joined: 05 Dec 2006 Posts: 18

Is it typical to treat everyone the same? Sometimes I feel like I'm treating and talking to everyone the same like the same amount of "remorse" and "emotion" and "fairness" and in my voice AND in me... I wish I could figure out what it was. How could one person possibly feel NOTHING... no amount of anything rushes over me? Except depression. IT SHOULDN'T BE THIS WAY. should it? someone in my family who I hardly see, my brother, I have memories with him but I'd always felt a little guilty because I never really talked to him. I've always been the little sister role. he had a stroke which we don't know what caused it yet and he couldn't move the whole right side of his body. he was a cop for 9 years, which he probably won't be able to be one again. he's come a long way since June... he is now able to walk (with a limp), he can move the right side of his body but still working on the fingers, he talks now but it's still piece, and he remembers stuff thank God because that's the thing I was worried about.. Is that he wouldn't know who anyone was anymore. His fianc?e and he are getting married next Nov. I'm thinking if I'll still be alive (mentally) by then. And she's excited about it. WHY I AM NOT EXCITED ABOUT IT!?!??! Why can't I have excitement? GOD I'm selfish. But like I said he was a cop for 9 years, 32 yards old, and I just wonder like why it couldn?t happen to me. I'm 21 and I have no idea where my life is going, if anywhere. See talking like this about myself DOESN'T EFFET ME I don't get it... all I KN ow is I'm thinking it and it's coming out. It kills me. But on the other hand, it's coming out and there's no feeling of NO DON'T THINK THAT. I'm going to read this tomorrow and think the same thing I have the last couple days... how the heck I could write that. It?s like I'm living someone else's life... when I look at pictures of me, I look at the pictures and think of how I was feeling that day (good day, bad day) then I look at myself in the mirror and I feel GUILTY like say if I was all talkative one day then the next day I'm not and I have nothing to talk about and no questions to ask when I talk to the same person on the phone. It?s so unpredictable from day to day that I don't know what to believe about myself and it trips me out. I'm a good typist (I type fast) that'll always remain haha. then the next day I'm like ok what did I do yesterday.. I have no cutoffs. every day is a continuation but at the same time, every day is a new day (not in a good sense) & I'm rapidly approaching some kind of finale. I don't know anymore. My doctor asked me how I was feeling the other day... I said I don't know (just give me a new medication) and he did. I'm on Zyprexa. that's what he's on. my brother is on Lexapro, which I was taking for about a year. I'm afraid that medication like turns you into a kid again or something like you're having to learn something new over. now I'm stopping because I'm going to go to a social phobia group thing that I decided to go to myself.

gill · Joined: 05 Dec 2006 Posts: 9

I take it you're familiar with the expression "stream of consciousness"? Did you write that piece above in one hit? I'm struggling to find something to write, to be honest.

Why does it concern you that you're not excited about your brother's wedding? It's not your wedding, after all. Are you pleased for him? Do you wish him and his future wife happiness? Or is it all a blank? Are you annoyed with yourself for being selfish, in wanting to feel stuff? If so, why are you concerned about that? Because other people will think less of you, for some reason?

Sorry for the barrage of questions, but when I'm confused about something, I ask questions, in order to try to clarify things a bit.

Best regards

robin · Joined: 05 Dec 2006 Posts: 26

I did write everything above in the same hit. It concerns me because I see myself coming off as a cold person when I have no reaction to anything. It just hits me like something else is happening in our family. & I know that's cold but that's how it hits me. Obviously they know they'll be happy together. I swear every time I want to say I wish his injury would have happened to me, I get tears in my eyes. I don't know but I'm seeing relationships artificially like in relationships, there's always an underlying motive that one of them is doing something they shouldn't be doing to the other person but the other person won't ever find out. For some reason, I think everyone is depressed. Nobody really honestly wants to be doing what they're doing. For some reason, I think everyone is lying unless it's obvious (the physical object is there itself) that they're not. like everyone is putting on a superficial act and leading a fake life or something and this is not fair of me to think of ppl like this. yes I'm annoyed at myself AND I'M STILL TYPING THE THINGS I AM, being unfair to people and thinking of people this way. It?s like I'm dueling with myself. every "emo" song I hear on the radio, I think of me singing it to myself. "where did I go wrong, I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness and I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life." (Actually that song was written about my friend's friend who committed suicide) and I turn that song to me singing to me. When I first started seeing a counselor, I wrote a poem and she read it. she said it sounded like a gf fighting with a bf but it was one half of me vs the other half of me. I am annoyed with myself for being selfish and wanting to feel stuff because why can't I more importantly why can't I show it? obviously it won't show because it's not there. and that's no way to live.

we all would think lying and sneaking out of the house is a fact of life right? when I was 12, I wanted to meet a guy offline. my mom doesn't like that type of stuff because she thinks I'll be a missing person on the news the next day. I was gone for just about the whole day with this guy who no I didn't think would hurt me. I didn't even tell them where I was going. long story short, I got home and I don't blame them for contacting the sherriffs office and reporting a missing person. they took away my car for I forget how long, they were both like look me in the eye and tell me you were where you say you were. I did.. so I looked them in the eye and I lied. one time, I went off with a guy who I'd been talking to online for awhile and I wanted to meet him. I lied about where I was that nite.. mom called while I was with him. I've looked them IN THE EYE and flat out lied to them. so then how do I tell when people are lying to me? In their voice? Sometimes MY OWN voice is flat and sounds hardly like there's no... There?s a lack of something.

pope · Joined: 05 Dec 2006 Posts: 36

I don't know about hypnosis, perhaps somebody who's tried it would like to say something on that subject?

On the subject of everybody shafting everybody else, in secret - what makes you think they're not? But if they are, what difference does it make to you, unless people start shafting you? In any case, what would the motive be for doing the shafting in secret?

In answer to your question, I don't know how one can tell when somebody is lying; maybe it is in the voice. Maybe some people are so good that they can tell a one-off lie and be believed. Maybe one needs to take people at face value, and, if necessary, question them more closely to see how their story meshes into things that you know for "fact". Liars have to have good memories: that's useful to remember.

Given that you're an admitted liar, perhaps you're given to seeing everybody else in this way? Maybe it would be worth talking to your brother about this sort of thing: he's a cop, after all, maybe he could give you some insight into interview techniques!

Best regards

aeunjoo · Joined: 05 Dec 2006 Posts: 37

The reason why sometimes I think the bf is shafting me is because he knows my secret. That I have some depression.. And I've cried in front of him about it and told him I don't know why some things are some way. You can probably read some of my previous posts in Relationships if you'd like to see some instances I've had with him. But I have said to him...
-I've said to him don't cheat on me, and the answer back was why are you saying that? That was random. Is there something to make you think I am? I don't cheat on girls. Allie, don't cheat on me. and I said okay
-last night, I randomly said are you talking to any other girls like to date or whatever and he's like no. there's only one Allie

Communication is a big thing to him, not saying it's not to me.. But he asked me how I felt after we had sex for the first time. Fireworks didn't go off in my head... but I mean I didn't know how to answer that. And he'd ask me about my feelings and I didn't know how to say anything. And your psychological state is the final product of it all. That?s it. Once someone knows your psychological state, they can take advantage of you. But it's like other people too can see it on your face and hear it in your voice

oh God please help me. I want brain surgery. Please my parents would pay any amount of money; I would pay any amount of money to not be like this. For some reason, I don't see a psychologist helping me. I don't really see a psychologist helping me. ANY medical thing to relieve this besides medicine. Please

threetoedkoala · Joined: 02 Dec 2006 Posts: 2

Aeunjoo-

Sounds like you BF is not worth the stress - I would definetely look to include positive people in my life instead of people that can make your situation worse. Dealing with depression sometimes requires other changes in your life as well. I think you need to consider making such changes in addition to seeking direct treatment for the depression itself.